Tuesday, May 14, 2013

This week's truths

Boy, how adoption brings out your raw self. I consider myself a pretty content person. We don’t generally live extravagantly and don’t use credit cards. We live a good life! We sent our initial startup fee of $2,250 to our agency last Wednesday and who knew that all these crazy thoughts would creep in. It is not like it sent us to the poor house but that is what it feels like for me. I am a task oriented; likes security type of gal and this adoption is so not that way in any capacity. There are tasks that will need done, paperwork is right up my alley, but when I feel our savings dwindle I start to feel like I am drowning. I like knowing I have a security blanket financially.

This week since sending the check for our startup fees $2,250,I have never doubted that we are supposed to be adopting but the selfishness in me has really come to the surface. Thoughts of “perhaps we could just wait a couple of years so we can have a more vacations”, “ I could do so much with this money for the yard”, etc. I received an email a few weeks back from my aunt in Canada sharing how Alzheimer’s is really starting to take hold of my grandma and with each year worsens. How I would love to go see her. When I say etcetera I mean it. Most are just fleeting thoughts as I turn my eyes to the children we want to bring home and know that it is fear trying to take hold of me. Some are real decisions that seem impossible yet I am forced to choose between bringing our children home and things that are also important such as seeing my Grandma before it is too late.

I am not good on relying on God when it comes to finance and I like my ducks in a row. I also realized this week I have been acting like a child in response by spending in unnecessary areas when I should be putting it all in savings. The rebel in me! I keep praying “God, you know I suck at this insecurity particularly, so can you alleviate it somehow please?” I know there are tests of faith but this is my least favorite. Who knew that God would use my biggest fear to rely on him to provide wholly for us in this process? Please pray for our financial needs during this time so that I don’t freak out and so that I can have a little security back. I am so thankful for how hard my husband is working, the overtime he is putting in, to make all of this even possible. Here’s to more waiting and praying and hoping…

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