Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Anxiety and Faith

These past few weeks has been a roller coaster for me. So many things on the horizon and decisions to make. I began feeling anxious a couple of weeks ago knowing we had our summer vacation coming that we had planned long before God stirred us to adopt. Anxious about the home study that we need to get for our next step in the adoption process; which agency to go through, how to pay the $1400. Anxious about school decisions for the next semester as I begin my Bachelor's program at Weber State. Praying for some relief from all of the above, that some miracle will happen...

I am the first to admit that when it comes to finances, my faith sucks. I know that we all stress about finances at times but when I do not have the money in the bank or the knowledge of where it is coming from my stress level rises because I feel very insecure and vulnerable. I am not a fan! I am also a problem solver; it is part of the personality God gifted me with; sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse. Often that problem solving gets in the way of what God may be trying to do because I am soooooo not a patient person. Sometimes my problem solving is a good thing and I use wisdom in my decisions in order to keep anxiety at bay. Last week I started experiencing severe acid-reflux one night because I was worried about how to pay for our vacation, our home study, Skyler's birthday, etc. It is not just a little heart burn but feels like sharp daggers being thrust into my chest.

God was telling me through this to take a step back and find some balance. I talked to Aaron the next day and asked him if we could wait until after our vacation to have our home study so we could take care of one thing at a time. I am very blessed with a husband who hears me and loves me. We contacted our adoption coordinator to make sure postponing our home study until July would be okay and once we received confirmation a weight was lifted, even though I hate knowing that because of this decision our children have to stay possibly longer where they are.

Today I received an email from the University letting me know what grants and aid have come through for the next year. I didn't receive any scholarships I was hoping and praying for and I received just enough to cover my tuition and books. I felt the anxiety creeping in again and would have loved for that money to have come through. I should be feeling blessed that I can get this education and that I am receiving the grants to do so but the extra would have been a nice security for the girl with no faith in finances. I started thinking about how I can "solve" this problem. Several solutions came to mind; go half-time and go back to work part-time to increase our income, quit school temporarily and get a full-time job, other scenarios with both of or one of these included. None of course with, " Have faith and let God do this Julie".

I am really glad my mom has been here visiting. she let me vent and cry as I expressed the frustration of wishing I knew where the funds would come from, wishing I could get the home study done now, wishing our kids in Haiti didn't have to wait because of money , wishing... She also helped me to remember why I started my education almost three years ago and that it is important that I continue on this path. I love school. I love Social Work. I love the idea of empowering to be healthier individuals, parents, children, etc. I love the idea of taking my Social Work degree in a few years, and maybe going to other places and using it to give others opportunities that I have had. I love being a part of something that is so not about me. I want my children; all five of them; to know the value of education in this country, and to be proud of their mom for doing it and doing it well!

So today, I am trying to have more faith that God will provide in a major way. I am praying that God will increase my faith in this area. I am praying that our adoption fundraising yard sale this weekend will be a smashing success and a lot of money will be raised, if not all, to pay for our home study. I am praying that this vacation to visit my dad will be a time of rest, rejuvenation, and fun for all of us. I am praying that when we come back we will get our home study finished so that we can keep moving forward in bringing our kids home from Haiti. I am praying that no matter what, there will be times of complete awe at God's provision and that when I tell our adoption story in the future; every bump, every corner we careen around, every anxiety; God will have brought us to the other side and my children will see Him, my family will see Him, my friends will see Him, I will see Him.

So for today I will pray and I will wait.

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